Letting Go - Day 157

Dear Mamas journal

Well, it's been 157 days since the boys have been gone. I can clearly remember writing the first leting go journal entry and I would love to say that I am healed!! but I can't ;-) I have figured that letting go is actually going to take as long as I thought and more......

Some of the things that have been 'let go':

1. Anxiousness that something terrible is going to happen.
2. The Deep bawling cry has gone
3. The Need to count down.
4. Painful Grief and
5. Sense of loss.

The things that have been added unto me:

Where once was anxiousness, now stands peace and calmness. The kind of peace I have is hard to describe. It's a feeling that envelopes me and I am without fear that something is going to happen to my sons. I am grateful for the peace that resides in my life. 

 

Where once I was anxious and worried that the boys would get sick and I wasn't there to care for them has dissipated. in fact I remain calm. For example, both boys have both been struck by a mosquito borne disease that is hitting the Carribean and yet I am calm. My son has just written a letter home telling me that he lives next to where gangsters hang out and a church where the leader casts out devils at night time - and still this calmness is with me. Maybe I am in denial but I am grateful for it!

 

The gut-wrenching crying sessions have now been reduced to what I call "sprinkles" or little "leaks" .... I can't control them - my eyes just sprinkle and leak all the time! Having said that I have had big cries but so would you if you were looking at my beautiful baby boys happy and serving the Lord ;-) I don't mind sprinkling and little leaks because it reminds me that I am a missionary mama - and it is not easy but I am doing it ;-)

 

What has not gone away is the need to count. I no longer wait until the sun goes up before I can cross out another day (like I used to do!) .... instead after 157 days, I now have the control and can wait the whole seven days before crossing off a week and I have trained myself not to lament because I have so much more to go - but just tick or stick (I use stickers) away quietly, without fanfare and carry on. I can say watching the numbers come down are healing though..... that I cannot deny ;-)

 

In the place of painful grief I have prayer and what a revelation this has been.... I have prayed all of my life but I have found my prayers have changed. They are more meaningful and heartfelt. I feel like I am having an adult conversation with a loving Heavenly Father who is listening patiently ready to give me advice on what I need to do. More than once, I have been specific and detailed and what I asked for - technology to be clear so that communication between son and his parents is seamless in an area known for powercuts and poor technology - and it has been granted.

I have found prayer has united Mr and I. I find myself listening to a missionary father praying for his sons and I am touched by his sensitivity to our sons' service.

I also know that my sons are also praying which helps me to realise that all these reverent conversations are connecting my little family together while we are so far apart - see - there they goes - my eyes are sprinkling again ;-) I am grateful for prayer - and so happy to have a renewed my testimony in the power of prayer.

 

My sense of loss has not gone. The boys are still everything I have in this world - and they are not here with me. My life is empty without them and I am half of a partnership that sit at the top of a great big EMPTY nest ;-) but this deep sense of loss has been filled. I have recently been called to work in the temple. This amazing calling has brought me closer to my children than any single thing I have done before. It focusses me every week and I am grateful for yet another connection to my sons. The words that are spoken in the temple are some of the most beautiful that I have ever heard, and to learn those has been a privilege.... As I serve week after week my emptiness is being filled - with love that I have not experienced before and I am more grateful today than I was yesterday.

 

For me, on day 157, I have to say that the greatest healer for me have been my missionary boys!! They are my inspiration. Their positive attitudes, their healing words and love extended to their mother who they know struggles without them has been balm to my motherly wounds. Their strengthening testimonies have been beautiful to read and I am becoming grateful for the opportunity to be a missionary mama to the point where I can almost say it without wincing ;-)

 

This journey is not travelled alone and I continue to be grateful for the support of thousands of other missionary mommas through facebook and hundreds of others in my Missionary Mamas and Missionary Moms email groups... I would hate to think what my life would be like without these!!

 

So Day 157 is coming to a close - and life isn't too bad. The house is quiet. We haven't started Spanish lessons yet or the diet either for that matter - but it's all coming along....

 

Here's to another 43 -then it's my Second Hundred Party - WOOHOOO!!!

 

Mxo

 

101 Survival Tips for Missionary Mamas

Last week, a friend of mine, and a fellow missionary mama herself (for a 2nd time ;-)) handed me a book called 101 Surivial Tips for Missionary Moms by Mary Yoachum and illustrated by Cheri Cox Johnson. My friend handed it to me and said "You are already doing them". This was so comforting to hear - because 101 is a pretty big number :-) and I am the kind of person who needs to do all 101 ;-) 

Anyway, I came home that day and devoured every page and in my head I was quietly ticking off things that I was already doing - and grateful that I have had groups like Missionary Mommas, and Missionary Mamas, Dominican Republic Missionary Moms, and my Dominican Republic MM Email group who have helped me. If I didn't - this book would have been devastatingly new to me!

What I liked is that first of all the author dedicated this book to her three sons who had served or about to serve - so it was great that it was written by someone who "knew" what it was like to be a missionary mama. Secondly, since its publication, a lot of support systems are provided via facebook, email and Skype which I am sure would have been in the top 101 had we been using them a couple of decades ago.... Here are my top five (5):

TIP ONE: Say "Cheese"

Yoachum suggests that taking a variety of pictures of our missionaries before and after they leave and having them put around the house - brings us closer to them. I have seen pre-missionary shots that have been taken professionally and they are stunning - and something I wanted to do but ran out of time (and to be honest funds!)  to do this. As a result many of the photos that I have either have me or my husband missing because we would be taking he photo... So it something I wish I had done - and a lesson learnt! Now my boys have been out 5 months, I prefer to see their most recent photos dotted around the house - I feel closer to them by seeing their beautiful faces! This is one of my favourites because it was taken a few hours before he wrote home on his last PDay - just hours separated this photo and me!! It made my day!

TIP TWO: Priesthood Power

Yoachum encourages people to get a blessing after your missionary has left. I believe in the power of the priesthood and we took care of this before the boys left. The morning  the boys flew out, my husband (and Bishop) gave each son a father's blessing which were both individual and specific to that son. Our missionary sons then each their parents a missionary blessing. It was beautiful - and never a prouder mother was I in that moment.  All I can remember of mine was that my son blessed me that I would always know that I am loved and supported - and he said it two times - so in that moment I knew I was going to be okay....... eventually ;-)

TIP THREE: Gift Wrap

I have blogged about this - but thought it is still a great idea. I send packages to the boys at least once a fortnight if not weekly. It is costing an arm and a leg - but love to hear them talking about things that they have received, especially our letters, cards and other resources. Yoachum suggests that we decorate the outside of the envelops and packages, use stickers, notes, quotes, etc to brighten up their day. I have done this and loved it.... I also take a photo of Mr and I - and add that in so it is the first thing that the boys see. You can imagine how touched I was to see these same photos in prominent positions on their study desks some months later. I hope by seeing us they are strengthened and can feel the love we have for them in our faces. I also make cards with photos with family and friends on them - this last card had some friends holding notes to the boys - and for one son, I got a photo taken with his close friends and added those - anything to feel of our love and support for them.

 

TIP FOUR: Language Lesson

A tip that I am going to work on is learning Spanish. The boys are getting better at it every week - and the more they get better - the less Mr and I have a chance to speak with them.... so this is definitely a MUST for me!! A great tip. In the meantime, I am getting church magazines in Spanish sent to the boys while they are serving. I've sent the last conference talks to them in English, and marked a number of them with my thoughts from talks that I have taught from, spoken on, and listened to others speak and teach with. I have done this to give my sons a break from their language studies... especially as they didn't have a command of Spanish when during the last Conference.....but the rest will be in Spanish..... Added to this tip, Yoachum also suggests asking the boys to write a message in Spanish and when I got it - try and figure it out (without google translate) - and get them to reply - wish me luck :-)

 

TIP FIVE:  Tickle his funny bone

I am a wannabe amateur comedian, so my sons have been raised by a crazy person who finds humour in many things - so when I see something funny/quirky I send it to the boys. I was a bit scared to do this as first because I didn't to be the reason my sons were distracted - so I sent them something little  to try and make them smile. They commented on those things and one son has asked me to keep sending them... and it again it keeps us connected somehow... So I keep my eye open for funny PG rated pictures or stories - and they are more difficult that you would think to find or not that easy to come by - so I just end up telling them my own stories. Added to this, in the questions I send for them to answer on their PDay, I always ask them every week is to share with me a funny experience. I have loved hearing their funny experiences  - and they have, and I can tell you, some of their little stories have made this old lady laugh out loud ;-)

 

Well, that's five tips, and plenty more where those come from - but like my friend said - you are probably doing a lot of them - so keep going. Keep up your efforts. I have heard that missionaries get letters all the time in their first 6 months and then they don't get much, if any.....so let's keep it up missionary mams... I know that any mail will light up the world of that missionary for a time....

 

Well, I better get going - sending a package tomorrow and need some beauty sleep to get a great 'selfie' to add to his package.

 

What survival tips do you have?

 

Mxo

In sickness and health....

One of friends was reading her email from her missionary son and how shocked he was to see the conditions of his apartment, coming from the MTC, in the Phillipines. She spoke about how she would have loved to have flown over to his apartment, cleaned it, bought a new stove, purchased a 2nd hand washing machine, and fixed the air conditioning unit - and all before he got home! She then made her family have cold showers and eat canned food only - so that they could all share her son's experience which is sooo funny - because it is was exactly the thoughts I had when my first letter home from my sons -and their description about their new homeland - Republica Dominicana :-)

"What’s DR like? Well, it’s super hot super hot not really like death hot it’s just that we walk around and we’re all covered so it’s like hot haha uhm the power is never on besides night time around 9pm-3am so you iron shirts, wash clothes, enjoy the fan and light then because once it goes off its off haha. The streets are dirty real dirty! rubbish everywhere, we have to walk places, and it’s all rock and dirt, the houses are really like shacks that are falling apart it’s not very good but the people are lovely like you walk by say hello and they say hello you can talk and they talk to its hard for me cause they’re like sharks if they know you can’t speak spanish (which I can’t) they don’t hold back they go faster... the shower is pretty much a hose in the wall you have to keep your mouth closed cause if you drink it you’re gone (sick).

I had a bucket shower this morning cause the water ran out it was okay I’m getting used to it, beds are really really nice like my bed is so so good if I didn’t have that I’d probably die so that’s good. The kitchen, well its always dirty we use bleach to wash dishes cause water is dirty haha uhm. Washing is interesting - not the same, and yeah it’s a hard as mission but I love it that’s how you become a real man haha when you lose everything you have and realise you can live like this or that people do live like this there’s no other life. Last night we taught a lesson 8pm no lights so it was so so dark! We still taught and still felt the spirit. That’s what it’s about!"

Then the gem of the whole letter - "It’s all good though I love my mission I always remember the words of my mission president "Welcome to the best mission in the world and that’s what it is" haha! DR!"

I don't know about you - but when your kids are raised with working amenities and utilities - you are left practically stunned after reading these kinds of letters. It has taken a couple of months for me to come right with it and accept that this is just the way it is going to be for my sons and I am okay with it - only because my sons are okay with it....and have accepted the challenge and in his own words wrote:

My favourite quote: "you can destroy this body, but my spirit is indestructible" [So] my spirit will keep growing, I grow closer to God than ever before, I will learn more about His gospel, I will serve him more, I will testify of him more. I will become more like him. So I’m not stressing about what can happen to this body of mine here, because my spirit will keep growing forever and ever and ever."

From an earlier blog you will know that my son missed emailing me and I was frantic - thinking the worst and I got my missionary mamas network going and he was found and got the message to write home. Needless to say he was not impressed...

"If I don’t email one week then you need to pray and wait, you can’t just skip to the end and say I’m in hospital because truth is I probably will be teaching someone while your freaking out, so next time might be worth praying first and waiting to see what up because I told the zone leaders that I email you ever week and I have, and that I wouldn’t think my mum would ring that much. So you don’t need to move a mountain to try and get in touch with me because I will find time somewhere in my week to email you just need to trust me. Other than that know that I’m on a mission so I’m going to be busy, I’m going to get sick, I may get hurt, I already have got lost before and many other things you wouldn’t to happen to me but that’s a mission."

So recently - when he didn't email - I let it go - and even managed to keep positive hanging on to his little email. The day after his PDay I get an email and he had been in bed for 24 hours - wiped out, feverish, sleeping. He brushed it off and said he had sun stroke - so I leave it because he has taught me that "it is a mission mum". The week later on PDay I am casually informed by my baby boy that he has had a round of the newest disease to hit the Carribean - the Chikungunya disease!!

Of course I worry about him as he was out - sleeping, drinking water and taking pills to manage the pain and fever... His poor companion - and my poor baby!!

I talked to him about his attitude and how regardless of all of these things - he remains positive. He tells me it is something that he has to work on - that it doesn't come easily but after being worked on and practiced and he shared this with me:

"I realised no matter how bad the day goes you can walk for miles and teach no one everyone can fire and tell you to go away yet when you get home you’ll never hear a missionary say I wish I didn’t go out there today and that’s exactly how it is here.... you could have to walk hours a day in melting heat, teaching houses that feel like ovens, sweat while you eat your food for lunch, take bucket showers because the water in you apartment is out, walk in water up to your knees because the drains don’t work, lie in your bed and sweat because power is gone, not be able to flush your toilet paper and even then you can choose to smile and serve because that’s what it’s all about."

So in sickness and health - my son's attitude of gratitude comes shining through. He is an inspiration to his parents and brother and we love him for it. He reminds me everyday to be grateful for what I have - even if I have nothing - be grateful for that.....

What lessons are/is your missionary/s teaching you??

Mxo