M.I.A - Missing in Action!!

Dear Journal

I couldn't go to bed tonight without writing about my experience today.

Yesterday was my missionary boy's PDay. One son, dutifully writes to his mother - not even a family one just his mum/dad/brother email this week. It was lovely, too short for my liking but it had  wonderful experiences he is having - which are so faith promoting - I love reading over and over and over! Anyway - he writes a short email and then just like that pft! - gone until next week. I imagine him blowing out his last breath of the day and gives himself a big tick on his To DO List next to - write to mum otherwise!!

 

On the other hand, my other son usually writes a bit later in the day so I wait, and wait, and wait - and nothing. I call Mr twice just to make sure it isn't just me or a bad connection on my part - but he isn't getting email either.... so I wait until it becomes obvious (my sons are 7 hours ahead of me) I am not going to get an email. I can't explain fully how I feel at this point. I am worried, but I have faith that he is well. I am stressing out, and yet I know that my son is in the Lord's hands - so basically although intellectually and spiritually I know these facts,  I am an emotional wreck!

                                                                                                                                                             

By the time I am ready to go home from work I have reminded myself some key points; 1) my son is okay because the church would have called me straight away, and 2) I know that he's still alive because surely as his mother I would have felt something...... so I come home and I try and get some sleep, checking my inbox throughout the night and early morning to see if something has popped up after having been temporarily delayed?? Nothing.

 

I wake up and decide to stay home from work because ALL I want to do is to get on a plane to the Dominican Republic to see for myself where he is! I struggle to  stop myself from ringing Interpol, the prophet and/or my son's Mission President...... I don't do any of these!! Instead I put out an APB (all points bulletin) to anyone who knows anyone in the Dominican Republic to look for my son!

 

I get in contact with my neighbour's friends in Melbourne, Australia who have local knowledge of the DR and give them the area in which my son is serving. The city or municipal where my son is has a population of 263,861 people. So this couple send out messages to their friends and promise to get back in touch with me.  While I am waiting, I keep myself busy although one eye and my heart really, is looking at the time, knowing that another day is drawing to a close with NO WORD for me from him.

 

Then at 5pm tonight, midnight where my son is living, I get a message from these wonderful people from Melbourne that says "I have news for you. My friend's friends have gotten hold of your sons' zone leaders and they have said your son is ok!" I can't thank my new friends enough for the help that they have given this MM. They have answered mine and my husband's prayers.... I now know that out of the 263,861, my son is ok and I will probably find out tomorrow  through these same channels - why he didn't email me this week..... I already know the rationale behind it will make sense - but it will great to see it written down.

 

By this time, I am emotionally drained, but I make sure to send a thank you email to my new friends in Melbourne, then I sit at my computer and cry - with relief and a grateful heart.

 

Next, I pull down a pillow from the bed, and kneel on it and pray. I sob and cry out in gratitude, and just pure relief. And while I am praying I feel next to me someone getting down beside me to pray. I tell myself it's the cat putting it's weight on the pillow (under my knees) but I can't hear her purring - and whatever it is leaves and then again someone has kneeled down beside me. I dare not open my eyes.... but feel like someone is beside me.... I know my missionary sons are praying for their crazy mummy and I am grateful for this knowledge. I finish my prayer and I am blessed! I stand up and I feel light.

 

I go to bed tonight - knowing that both of my boys are okay... and my baby who went  M.I.A  on God's errand has been found... and this missionary mama can breathe again!!

Mxo

25 Words!!

Dear Journal,

Our High Councilman spoke yesterday in church and I knew that I was going to write and talk about it.... He retold a story as told by President Monson in a general conference in 2008, and later by the General Primary President in 2013 - about Jay Hess, an airman who was captured and imprisoned during the Vietnam war. Our High Councilman must have been touched by what he read, as he researched further and was able to provide some other detail which made the story even more amazing!! For two years, the family of Brother Hess did not know if he was alive, missing or worse - dead. When Hess was moved to another prisoner of war camp, not only had the conditions improved, and the food was better - he was eventually allowed to write one letter. It was to be no more than 25 words.

 

Brother Hess thought about what he would say that would let his family recognise it was his him (writing), and also provide counsel to his children. This is what he wrote: "“These things are important: temple marriage, mission, college. Press on, set goals, write history, take pictures twice a year.”

President Monson went on to ask us all what we would write, and what legacy would we leave behind and encouraged us to "relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family. One day each of us will run out of tomorrows."

 

So, tonight I wrote to my boys and told them about this story and I shared with them my 25 words to them at this time: "I love you. Return with honour. Become educated. Work hard. Marry someone you see raising your children. Stay spiritually strong. Pray always. Love my moko (grandchildren)…"

 

I don't know what they will think of that - but I know they will know it was from their mother who loves them so very very very much....

 

What would be your message to your missionary(s)??

 

Until next time.

 

Mxo 

The MTC

Dear Journal (I must find you a name!!)

40 strong international cohort of
missionaries from everywhere except the
USA. All arrived Monday night - the USA
missionaries arrived on Wed.

To be honest I didn't really know know what happens at the Missionary Training Centre (MTC). I mean Mr tells me what he remembers, but when your 'intel' is almost 25 years old - you have to wonder ;-) In one of my son's email, he said it was hard work, and trying to learn how to teach the gospel in ENGLISH is fine - but to do it in Spanish is proving to be a tad more complicated. Both boys are loving it though!! and even though not so keen on their companions YET, I'm sure as a twin they will be able to navigate having someone in their back pocket 24/7.  Mr, bless his heart reminds me every time I worry that the spirit will actually do the teaching which makes sense - so I'm not too worried!

 

As you do, I found to help was this webpage called "What to Expect at the Missionary Training Centre: Everything You Need To Know About Your Stay at the MTC" by Rachel Bruner at http://lds.about.com/od/programs3foldmission/tp/missionary_training_center.htm It is written to inform a pre-missionary of what to expect but I found it really helpful trying to understand what my boys are up to at the moment.....

 

Here are some things I was grateful to read - thank you Rachel!!:

 

The power dot and entering into the MTC

My son emailed me about this dot - so it was great to read. "When [your missionary] check[s] in at the MTC [they] will be given a "power dot" (bright red/orange sticker aka "dork dot") to identify [them] as a new MTC missionary. Wearing this sticker allows MTC volunteers, employees, and the other missionaries  to help, such as carrying heavy luggage to dorm rooms - [and] who doesn't want help with that? The MTC is huge, with 1000’s of missionaries and many buildings, so [ensure your missionary doesn't] feel ashamed to ask for help if [they] get a bit confused.

After an orientation with the MTC president will process some of [your missionary's] paperwork, receive any additional immunizations, and receive a packet of information that will include [his/her] assigned companion, dorm room, district, branch, teachers, classes, preparation day, mailbox, and debit card."

 

Companions, Districts and Branches

 "One of the basic rules for all missions, including time at the Missionary Training Center, is to always remain with your assigned companion. The "missionary conduct" rules also tells MTC missionaries to "cultivate your companionship by sitting together in all meetings and at all meals." You will share a dorm room with your companion and probably two or more other missionaries who may, or may not, be in your district which usually consists of 12 missionaries.

The district works under a branch and each branch attends regular sacrament meeting services together on Sundays." One of the boys tried to explain how it works - and I got confused but it sounds all organised and sees young men in leadership roles in just a matter of weeks which suits me! This photo is of their first temporary companions before being separated, and the boys going to their permanent Spanish speaking quarters. They bonded quickly with Elder Tangi and Elder Dixon, and can imagine their reunion in 2 years time when they finish at the same time!

Lessons, Learning, and Languages
The majority of the time at the MTC will be spent in classes with your district. Each day (except for Sundays and P-Days)  will have three classes, each with a different teacher. During class time [a missionary] will learn how to study the scriptures, preach the gospel and proselytise. For those learning another language, classes last for (almost 7 weeks), in which missionaries will learn [their] new language as well as how to preach the gospel in that language. This missionary manual of study is Preach My Gospel. This is Elder Aisake Turketo's district. Not sure how many cameras are doing the photographing ;-)
 

Food

"Food at the Missionary Training Center is excellent! The cafeteria has an assortment of tasty dishes to choose from for each meal. Since there are thousands of missionaries at the MTC [your missionary] will often have to wait in a long line before you get your food....One common practice among MTC missionaries while waiting in line is to practice being a missionary, such as inviting people to hear your message, as well as practicing [their] new language."

 

One of the boys mentioned this in his first email - so the food has gotta be good!!

 

Money, Mail, & Missionary Materials

Missionaries "receive a missionary access card which is basically the MTC's debit card. Each week a specific amount of funds will be deposited into your account which you will use for laundry, meals, and at the MTC bookstore. The MTC bookstore stocks the basic missionary supplies, such as books, pamphlets, scriptures, scriptures cases, backpacks, laundry detergent, and a large variety of other missionary related materials and goodies.

There is a post office at the MTC and each missionary is assigned their own mailbox- which address is among the papers you receive when you first arrive at the Missionary Training Center."

 

Preparation-Day at the MTC

"Preparation-day, called P-Day, is one day set aside during your mission (including your time at the MTC) to take care of personal needs, such as laundry, cleaning, haircuts, write home, do service, and exercise. Missionaries at the MTC are also supposed to attend the Provo Temple on their p-day.

Missionaries are assigned specific duties as part of their p-day service, which might include things like cleaning bathrooms, dorm buildings, the grounds, and other buildings.

Missionaries will have time to get some fun exercise with activities such as volleyball, basketball, and jogging. P-day ends at the beginning of the dinner hour."

 

I got emails and photos from my boys this week on their P-Day, one of which is on Sunday (NZT) and the other Wednesday (NZT) which have now become my favourite days of the week!! They both got to go to the temple and are absolutely loving it!! I love P-Days!! They both gave me a shopping list - so off to do some shopping tommorow. I still get to be a mum and nothing makes me happier!!

 

So there you have it - some tidbits about what goes on at the MTC. Thank you Rachel Bruner for sharing with this MM.

See you next week,
 

Mxo

Battle of Wills

Dear Journal,

 

I love my sons. For the most part, they have brought me nothing but pleasure and joy. Recieving their mission calls in October was such a wonderful occassion that we shared with our friends and family and were so happy. For the first month we were all walking around on clouds, so happy that an assignment had been made and for the anticipation of the greatest adventure ever to be had just around the corner... and it was great.

However, from my last blog until now (there have been none - have you noticed, it's okay if you haven't ;-)) until just the other day - it has been a hard slog and a battle of the wills. Of course - as my sons are now in the MTC, we made it - but it was mentally and emotionally draining getting there. I only share this with you because the pre-missionary stage of being called to serve needs to be talked about more. If it had, I may have been better prepared, even if my situation was totally different to another - I would have been able to learn something!

You see, my boys were never into the party scene - so have not had any interest in and engaged in word of wisdom attractions. To my knowledge, they have never tasted of alcohol, smoke, or drugs. Thankfully, again the boys have not been immoral and weighed down by the trappings of sexual transgression. They have been good boys who have chosen their path resolutely and from an early age. So how was Satan going to penetrate the hearts and minds of these strong faithful young men?

I wasn't surprised at how clever and creative Satan is - but what I was surprised with is how he did it - through the breaking down of critical relationships. The relationships between mother and son, father and son, mother and father and brother and brother were tested, and almost stretched to breaking point.

There were arguments, and stand-offs and words yelled out that were hurtful and damaging to no one else but the family members. Satan creeped into my family through a mobile phone and the attachments and distractions that were communicated through facebook, instagram, skype and so on.... It was slowly luring my missionary son away from his family until his parents made the decision to cut off all internet and phone connections.

This should have helped, and in some ways it did, but then the pressure and pestering to reconnect, to go out of the home to connect with people was continually put to me. It was tiring and worrying. We wanted our son to go on his mission free of any trappings, distractions and ties to any one person. We didn't want him to worry about anyone that promised if not verbally, emotionally to wait for him!

Our son was asked to go to party on New Year's Eve in another town. I could not believe my ears - 1ess than a fortnight from his setting apart. He kept pestering me over and over to attend that party, and unhappy with my reply - shared some hurtful words and stormed off. I was so hurt and in disbelief that I called his father home and sat and cried. He later ran off to meet someone for a short time that night. Does he know that his brother, mother and father looked for him that night? Does he know that his mother spent the breaking of a new year, sitting in a car, with his father bawling her eyes out?

You see, I love my sons. I know that they are good boys at heart but they do have feelings and hormones!. I raised them to know right from wrong - but I don't know how others have been raised. I can't control how someone seeks a reaction from my son, or manipulates him to think bad about his own parents, cousins, and friends that he has had for years. I can only know my sons, and to be locked in a battle of wills with them was hard work!! Although he could only see the immediate future, we, as his parents, as all parents can see into the eternities...

I will never forget my husband saying to me - "We only have two weeks to go - are you strong enough to get through this - and get our son on the plane to the MTC - can you do this?" It was tough, I tell ya - and this battle of the wills is not for the weak !! But if your answer like mine was - "yes, I can do this!" - then good for you!! You can do this!!

Here are my top 5 tips on what worked for me (take them or leave them):

1) Plan the days leading up to your missionary leaving. We had family meetings every other day to track where we were with those missionary handbooks they get sent with their mission call as a guide.

2) Fill the days with shopping, planning, visiting friends and family. Keep your missionary busy. We went to see movies, we ate out, we ate in (their favourite meals), went swimming at the beach.

3) Become an electronic-free family - your missionary has to get used to it - so why not start earlier.

4) When they go through the temple for their own endowments - go often and get them to experience all parts of temple service. The most beautiful moments I had with my sons was when we had been to the temple.

5) Pray often and talk to each other more. I spent more time with my sons in the last two weeks than I had in the past and it was some of the loveliest times that I had remembered....

And for you mum and dad of pre-missionaries - just keep breathing. When I look back, I don't know how I did it, but we did - and you can too!!

Mxo

The Missionary Farewell/Setting Apart

Dear Journal

The last few weeks with your pre-missionary go by super quickly... I had a blackboard measuring the days and it seemed that no sooner had I put a number up, it had to be changed and the number kept getting lower and lower until my boys were GONE ;-(

I spent much of my time with my sons together as well as individually and loved every minute of it all, in particular preparing for their missionary farewell talks in sacrament meeting, followed that night by their setting apart. I learnt more about their personalities, their little quirks, and how grown up they had gotten, and how they had formed their own opinions separate to mine. What I learnt throughout this preparation time was that my son's have strong testimonies that God lives and the work that there were about to be engaged in was good and they were ready!

 

They spoke amazingly, with firmness and a love of God and their family. I couldn't have loved them any more or been prouder than I was hearing their testimonies. I was also blessed (by their invitation) to speak on both occasions. I cried most of the way through - and not sure anyone heard anything I said ;-). After speaking and singing a song I composed in our sacrament meeting, one of my sons said "Thanks Mum" and at that moment - it didn't matter if anyone else heard - because I know at least he did!

 

Anyway for this blog, I thought I would include my talk that I gave at my sons' setting apart called - A Mother's Parting Advice. I am sending it to my sons while they are in the MTC this week.

 

"My parting advice to my baby boys starts with and ends with one word - LOVE.

 

1) A Mother's love
A mother's love for her child is unparalleled by any other bond and I thank a kind Heavenly Father for blessing me with two beautiful sons who have brought me and their father, for the most part, nothing less than joy. If you could see how much love I had for you sons, it would surely fill this planet and the galaxy and beyond!!

 

Thank you for being good boys. You will be missed but we are so proud of you and look forward to this next part of your life.

 

2) Love your companion

Your father tells me all the time that I am a combination of all of the worst companions he ever had - so he was totally prepared for your mother ;-) Seriously though - love your companion. There is direct correlation between a working companionship and success in the Lord's work.

 

3) Love the people you serve

For people to remember you long after you are gone, and for generations to come, not only because you brought them the gospel, but because you truly loved them - that is success! Your father is the man he is today, partly due to the love of the missionary couple who baptised him, and continued to love him long after they had returned home.

 

4) Love the Lord

Love the Lord and he will not forsake you. President Thomas S. Monson has taught "When the pathway of life takes a cruel turn, there is the temptation to ask the question 'Why me?' At times there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel..... We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone.... We become impatient for a solution to our problems, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required. The difficulties which come to us present us with the real test of our ability to endure. A fundamental question remains to be answered by each of us: Shall I falter, or shall I finish? Whenever we are inclined to feel burdened down with the blows of life let us remember that others have passed the same way, have endured, and then have overcome....Your Heavenly Father loves you - each of you. That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account. It is not changed by your talents and abilities. It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy,. discouraged or hopeful. God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there"

5) Lastly, my sons - as you have been taught since you were little children, strive to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost with you always. He will testify that what comes out of your mouth, in broken Spanish or otherwise is true!!

 

Go with your parents love and the love of your Nan (my mother passed away in 2007, but always prayed for my sons to serve their mission). This church is true, otherwise you would not be going anyway on the plane tomorrow night. God lives."

 

I hope that this brings the boys some comfort while they are serving, as it has for me re-reading it again.

 

Until the next time,

 

Mxo

Happy as Larry

I am not sure who Larry is but the saying "Happy as Larry" has been a saying that I have been brought up so it is really that old.... :-)  It is also the first phrase that I saw when  I got my weekly fix from my beautiful niece who is serving in the Salt Lake Temple Square Mission. She is just soooo happy!! Her emails are so powerful that they have drawn tear drops from my eyes every time! This week was no exception with the added bonus of actually seeing her through photos. She has been on her mission since September and already the changes in her are amazing! I have to admit - this Aunty is soooo biased, but you would have to agree - she is beautiful and I love her and miss her dearly.

 

Sister Garisau's emails are sharp and sweet and if I time it right, sometimes she is online when I am and I get a direct response.... and those moments are precious! Today was no exception, so when I got the chance I asked if I could share her email and her photos and her response was a resounding yes, hence my blog post today (and parts of her email ;-))....

 

"Another week, more experiences.
 

On Tuesday we had the missionary fireside performance. It was so much fun and something I will never forget.... [On] Thursday we got to the play "Savior of the World." It was so amazing....

This morning we got to go to the Temple. We get to go every transfer, so every six weeks. It is absolutely amazing. Was so cool going through a live session. Loved it so much.

On Tuesday my companion and I got to take an emergency investigator lesson. When the Salt Lake missionaries come to Temple Square with their investigators without scheduling it. They usually have to schedule because the Sisters take them around. We taught with Elders and the investigator, Casey. He investigated before a few years ago but couldn't quit smoking. But now he wants to learn more and see if it is for him. It was so amazing.
One of the elders was [not very good] and was just taking photos the whole time but the other elder was so good. And I was so happy in myself because the three of us were able to bear testimony of about Christ and the Prayer. And in the end I committed to pray and read the Book of Mormon and he said he would. I love this mission!!!
 

Love you all and keep safe.

Sister Garisau"

Recently, I joined a facebook group called Missionary Mommas and one of the missionary moms posted a video of the missionary fireside that my niece was talking about - she actually recorded it for another one of the missionary mothers - so I had actually seen my niece performing not knowing where she was - so after seeing her photos after the fireside and seeing what she was wearing, I re-watched the video and I could actually see her dancing!! What a blessing ;-) I love my niece as if she was my own. She is such a good examples to my sons who are leaving on their missions in January 2014. We pray that her brother will follow her in February 2014 and the legacy of missionary work continues in our family.

I love being a Missionary Aunty xx

Mxo

 

 

Lowering the age of missionary service - a year later

Dear Journal

Almost one year to the date of the missionary age being lowered for young men to serve a mission, my twin sons recieved their calls to serve in the Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic East and West Missions leaving in January 2014!! What an impact that inspired instruction has had on our family.

 

You see, with the lowering of the missionary age, and being born in the 2nd half of they year (meaning they are still at school) - the boys turned 18 but were still at school so the last little bit of 2013 has proved to be  and is going to continue to be fast and furious and already proving to be very interesting....

Last day of school

Their last day at school for children is a milestone that many mothers comment on and it feels like a completion of a rite of passage. An although they are grown up on the outside - to their mother they still look like these little ones... So after 13 years of school - the question of what to do after school has been answered and I am grateful for that... the distraction of girls, making money, cars, and all those things have not quite hit and so for many mothers, the instruction around the age being lowered has been a divine intervention....

 

Graduation

The next milestone for the boys was graduating from High School. I had the privilege of attending a High School that was modelled on the American Schooling system, so graduation ceremonies were extravagant and a highlight of the school calendar. However, in NZ, graduation is called Senior Prizegiving and not nearly as exciting for anyone other than the handful that win the awards - so not the Turketos :-) We carried on our tradition of making and giving lolly leis and although they never said a word - I think they loved every one they got - which made their mum happy. So graduation -  done and dusted...

Graduating from Seminary was one event that was almost overshadowed by finishing school but it was something that was celebrated with other church members which was special. The Stake President had students stand up as he called their groups, not in wards, or agegroups, of excellence and achievements, but those who had been called on mission, those who had their papers in and waiting, those who were working on their missionary papers and those who wanted to go. It was so awesome to see both young men and a few young women stand as they fit. 

The next milestones (all critically important to a missionary) to be completed by January 13th 2014 is completing their exams, temple preparation, taking out their endowments, the farewell sacrament meeting talks, the setting apart, and then my least favourite of all - the airport scene. So you can see lowering the age was awesome at the time, and a year on, but when we are right in the mix of it - it was still inspired don't get me wrong -in reality it is pull-on, press forward, steaming ahead.

  

Mxo

Strength in Numbers...

One of the classes where I work are undertaking an experiment where every student has made a cutboard cutout of child and charged with taking him/her everywhere they go. Each cutout child has a notebook, that people can write in about the child - something positive and uplifting. The experiment is based on the saying that it takes a village to raise a child - so by everyone contributing to the child - the better off the child will be etc etc.... I bring this up because I agree that it takes a village to raise a child - BUT - just as important and in particular to me - there is strength in numbers - and a burden shared is a burden lifted and all those things that go along with this.... You see, I am not coping very well with the prospect of my sons going on missions. Oh, I agree with the reason and motivation behind it, I agree and support all of that - but the bit I struggle with is letting go of them. I have cried every day. I cry thinking about them going to the departure lounge, getting to the MTC and I'm not there with them, going to a foreign country where it has Republic in its name and there is no rhyme or reason to it - but I will cry if you talk to me about the boys leaving ;-)

But I tell you what - I am so blessed to have had many conversations with missionary mums who are either just starting or have grown and married missionaries now. Three have come to mind, which just this week have buoyed me up and honestly shared my burden (my anxiety of saying goodbye to my sons) with me (without knowing it) and made it lighter.

 

Faith

The other day, I just happened to bump into a good friend of mine this week and we started talking and we got around to the the subject that her niece had gone away and how sad she had been. We talked about how she felt and then she shared with me something we had both heard a couple of months previously by a speaker who taught us the principle of faith as shared by Richard C. Edgley who said: "Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism". She shared with me how choosing faith had helped her to know that her niece was going to be okay. Thank you so much for reminding me of this principle - to exercise some faith!.    

 

Fast

Today I sent a birthday wish text to one of my friends and I asked her (she's a mum of an RM) how she managed to send her son away on his mission - and she sent me back a text - which made us both cry and I will love her for it forever... "I would fast every month for my son. I even did every week some motnhs when I felt like I missed him or wanted assurance that he was ok. Plus I fasted for him to have a successful mission..... I never doubt Heaven Father's purposes for each of these missionaries. Remember the power of fasting! It will be an amazing blessing for you and your family."

 

Trust

Tonight I heard some disturbing news about the mission the boys are going to and as I was just about to run out of the room to tell my husband, ring the consulate, church HQ etc - a friend said quietly said to me - "Trust in Heavenly Father - He knows what He is doing. Just this week she almost lost her son due to complications around his brain tumour and this is what got her through - the knowledge that Heavenly Father knows all and to have faith and trust in Him. Trust your sons to him...." What could I say to that - nothing but "shush your mush M and get on with it!!"

I want to thank all the mums who have been in touch. I am learning so much from you.

Until the next time,

Mxo

The tickets have arrived!!

It's official - the boy's tickets have arrived - which means only one thing - they are going. They leave on the 13th of January and go through San Francisco which is soooo cool - because they have flown through that airport twice in the last year so I'm pretty happy with that. They arrive the afternoon before they report so they won't have too much down time so I am okay with that so far. We are organising with family to pick them up so, so far everything seems to be going okay and it looks like the Dominican Republic is going to be + my 2 babies!