Letting Go - DAY 7+

Dear Journal,

Some years ago - I used to teach Human Development, of which the cycle of a  human being was taught. There I learnt words such as launching, re-launching, and empty nesting. At that time my sons were about 3-4 years old and this launching (children leaving home) and empty nest syndrome (parents at home with no children) seemed so far away. I remember, even back then dreading the day my precious babies would leave me! If only I knew then what I know now.

Letting the boys go has been one of the hardest things I have had to do - the reality, and the finality has been overwhelming, and almost unbearable. For me, letting go has been saying goodbye to my role as a full-time mother. I know that with them going they are now in the Lord's hands, but as they return they will no longer be my baby boys, instead, two grown men, almost-peers. So saying goodbye to them reminds me of this upcoming new stage in my life.

Coupled with these feelings is my reality that the boys are everything I have in this life - and now they are gone, in their place is this great big empty nest. I don't have young children to fill in the silences with their arguing, fighting, laughter and tears. I don't have grandchildren with their giggles and dirty nappies. All I have is this house, and a husband that walks around equally as stunned as I am - the penny finally dropping - we are all alone!!

They haven't been gone for long and it feels like years have dragged by!!

I know I am going to get through this - because I know so many other capable mothers of missionarys that  are not only alive and breathing - they are thriving members of their communities, working hard, and not crying ALL of the time!!

But for now - I am taking one day at a time. Sunday was a terrible day, but today is going okay so far ;-) Here are some tips I found online http://www.wikihow.com/Recover-From-Empty-Nest-Syndrome to help empty nesters recover. I'm going to try them - one day soon...

1) Although it doesn't say this online - the first one for me is living and really implementing Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding, In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.." and another one from  Richard G. Edgley "Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism.." Online - they call this step "Shift Aside the Terrifying Thoughts".

2) Accept Support

I really haven't wanted to see anyone except my brother and sister and their families - them, I can't get enough of.... and have been hiding in my little sanctuary. But my closest friends have burrowed their way in, bringing me flowers, coming for dessert, texting and emailing or just popping in.  The suggestion that suits me best is this: "Acknowledge your grief. It doesn't matter what other people think or say about getting on with it. Unacknowledged grief will gnaw away at you if you don't face it and let yourself be upset for a time. Allow the grief to work through your system." And with that I take one day at a time, trying hard not to hear the people who are thinking "What's her problem?" "Why doesn't she just snap out of it?" "She's lucky - I can't wait until all of my kids are gone"!! This is how I feel - and I'm working through it the best way I know how.

3) Start looking at your own needs

This made me smile: "Avoid creating a shrine out of your child's bedroom. If they didn't clean it up before they left, throw some of your emotions into removing all that trash! Eliminate some of the clutter, but carefully place your child's keepsakes in safe storage." It's easy enough to do this, but for Mr and I we cleaned the rooms out and they look nothing like they used to and that works for me! The suggestion I like the best is : "Go back to school or university. Select a course that you feel resonates with you at this point in life. Work out whether this is a completely new path you're setting out on, or whether it's to upgrade your existing qualifications. Either way is good." This year, Mr and I are either going to take up Ballroom Dancing or learn Spanish.... or who knows - we might do both ;-)

4) Rediscover the Love of your Life

The only trouble with this one is that I already do this often - and honestly I would not have been able to get through this last little period without Mr. He has been so kind and gentle to me. I asked him early on - to never ever roll his eyes when I am pleading my heart out, and not to put a limit on my grief which he has kept to so far.... luckily he had some practice when my mother died - now that was a WHOLE 'nother story... Wikihow's suggestion: "Allow time for your relationship to blossom anew. This can be an exciting time of rejuvenation for both of you." We are looking forward to taking some weekends away and looking forward to touring the South Island of NZ for Christmas!

5) Focus on some of the positive points of your kids leaving

What is so funny is that I have an Aunty who is going through this season as well, after raising 6 awesome children - she has found herself a widow and an empty nester - and she is doing great!! She is my example of the 'after-life' of children and makes me excited about the possibilities. The biggest change so far as been the toilet paper - I don't know what my boys used to do - but that 18 pack of toilet paper is lasting longer than it used to! Our grocery bill has plummeted, as has the laundry and the need to clean. I am yet to tackle the toilet - but will get on to that - and Mr assures me we can keep it clean now the boys are gone! But between you and me - I am sure he will still miss the bowl!! Some kid's habits never die even when they are adults;-)

All the best with your letting go of your missionary. May you do it better than me - with dignity, courage, and gusto...

Mxo

Strength in Numbers...

One of the classes where I work are undertaking an experiment where every student has made a cutboard cutout of child and charged with taking him/her everywhere they go. Each cutout child has a notebook, that people can write in about the child - something positive and uplifting. The experiment is based on the saying that it takes a village to raise a child - so by everyone contributing to the child - the better off the child will be etc etc.... I bring this up because I agree that it takes a village to raise a child - BUT - just as important and in particular to me - there is strength in numbers - and a burden shared is a burden lifted and all those things that go along with this.... You see, I am not coping very well with the prospect of my sons going on missions. Oh, I agree with the reason and motivation behind it, I agree and support all of that - but the bit I struggle with is letting go of them. I have cried every day. I cry thinking about them going to the departure lounge, getting to the MTC and I'm not there with them, going to a foreign country where it has Republic in its name and there is no rhyme or reason to it - but I will cry if you talk to me about the boys leaving ;-)

But I tell you what - I am so blessed to have had many conversations with missionary mums who are either just starting or have grown and married missionaries now. Three have come to mind, which just this week have buoyed me up and honestly shared my burden (my anxiety of saying goodbye to my sons) with me (without knowing it) and made it lighter.

 

Faith

The other day, I just happened to bump into a good friend of mine this week and we started talking and we got around to the the subject that her niece had gone away and how sad she had been. We talked about how she felt and then she shared with me something we had both heard a couple of months previously by a speaker who taught us the principle of faith as shared by Richard C. Edgley who said: "Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism". She shared with me how choosing faith had helped her to know that her niece was going to be okay. Thank you so much for reminding me of this principle - to exercise some faith!.    

 

Fast

Today I sent a birthday wish text to one of my friends and I asked her (she's a mum of an RM) how she managed to send her son away on his mission - and she sent me back a text - which made us both cry and I will love her for it forever... "I would fast every month for my son. I even did every week some motnhs when I felt like I missed him or wanted assurance that he was ok. Plus I fasted for him to have a successful mission..... I never doubt Heaven Father's purposes for each of these missionaries. Remember the power of fasting! It will be an amazing blessing for you and your family."

 

Trust

Tonight I heard some disturbing news about the mission the boys are going to and as I was just about to run out of the room to tell my husband, ring the consulate, church HQ etc - a friend said quietly said to me - "Trust in Heavenly Father - He knows what He is doing. Just this week she almost lost her son due to complications around his brain tumour and this is what got her through - the knowledge that Heavenly Father knows all and to have faith and trust in Him. Trust your sons to him...." What could I say to that - nothing but "shush your mush M and get on with it!!"

I want to thank all the mums who have been in touch. I am learning so much from you.

Until the next time,

Mxo