Letting Go - Day 157

Dear Mamas journal

Well, it's been 157 days since the boys have been gone. I can clearly remember writing the first leting go journal entry and I would love to say that I am healed!! but I can't ;-) I have figured that letting go is actually going to take as long as I thought and more......

Some of the things that have been 'let go':

1. Anxiousness that something terrible is going to happen.
2. The Deep bawling cry has gone
3. The Need to count down.
4. Painful Grief and
5. Sense of loss.

The things that have been added unto me:

Where once was anxiousness, now stands peace and calmness. The kind of peace I have is hard to describe. It's a feeling that envelopes me and I am without fear that something is going to happen to my sons. I am grateful for the peace that resides in my life. 

 

Where once I was anxious and worried that the boys would get sick and I wasn't there to care for them has dissipated. in fact I remain calm. For example, both boys have both been struck by a mosquito borne disease that is hitting the Carribean and yet I am calm. My son has just written a letter home telling me that he lives next to where gangsters hang out and a church where the leader casts out devils at night time - and still this calmness is with me. Maybe I am in denial but I am grateful for it!

 

The gut-wrenching crying sessions have now been reduced to what I call "sprinkles" or little "leaks" .... I can't control them - my eyes just sprinkle and leak all the time! Having said that I have had big cries but so would you if you were looking at my beautiful baby boys happy and serving the Lord ;-) I don't mind sprinkling and little leaks because it reminds me that I am a missionary mama - and it is not easy but I am doing it ;-)

 

What has not gone away is the need to count. I no longer wait until the sun goes up before I can cross out another day (like I used to do!) .... instead after 157 days, I now have the control and can wait the whole seven days before crossing off a week and I have trained myself not to lament because I have so much more to go - but just tick or stick (I use stickers) away quietly, without fanfare and carry on. I can say watching the numbers come down are healing though..... that I cannot deny ;-)

 

In the place of painful grief I have prayer and what a revelation this has been.... I have prayed all of my life but I have found my prayers have changed. They are more meaningful and heartfelt. I feel like I am having an adult conversation with a loving Heavenly Father who is listening patiently ready to give me advice on what I need to do. More than once, I have been specific and detailed and what I asked for - technology to be clear so that communication between son and his parents is seamless in an area known for powercuts and poor technology - and it has been granted.

I have found prayer has united Mr and I. I find myself listening to a missionary father praying for his sons and I am touched by his sensitivity to our sons' service.

I also know that my sons are also praying which helps me to realise that all these reverent conversations are connecting my little family together while we are so far apart - see - there they goes - my eyes are sprinkling again ;-) I am grateful for prayer - and so happy to have a renewed my testimony in the power of prayer.

 

My sense of loss has not gone. The boys are still everything I have in this world - and they are not here with me. My life is empty without them and I am half of a partnership that sit at the top of a great big EMPTY nest ;-) but this deep sense of loss has been filled. I have recently been called to work in the temple. This amazing calling has brought me closer to my children than any single thing I have done before. It focusses me every week and I am grateful for yet another connection to my sons. The words that are spoken in the temple are some of the most beautiful that I have ever heard, and to learn those has been a privilege.... As I serve week after week my emptiness is being filled - with love that I have not experienced before and I am more grateful today than I was yesterday.

 

For me, on day 157, I have to say that the greatest healer for me have been my missionary boys!! They are my inspiration. Their positive attitudes, their healing words and love extended to their mother who they know struggles without them has been balm to my motherly wounds. Their strengthening testimonies have been beautiful to read and I am becoming grateful for the opportunity to be a missionary mama to the point where I can almost say it without wincing ;-)

 

This journey is not travelled alone and I continue to be grateful for the support of thousands of other missionary mommas through facebook and hundreds of others in my Missionary Mamas and Missionary Moms email groups... I would hate to think what my life would be like without these!!

 

So Day 157 is coming to a close - and life isn't too bad. The house is quiet. We haven't started Spanish lessons yet or the diet either for that matter - but it's all coming along....

 

Here's to another 43 -then it's my Second Hundred Party - WOOHOOO!!!

 

Mxo

 

Letting Go - DAY 7+

Dear Journal,

Some years ago - I used to teach Human Development, of which the cycle of a  human being was taught. There I learnt words such as launching, re-launching, and empty nesting. At that time my sons were about 3-4 years old and this launching (children leaving home) and empty nest syndrome (parents at home with no children) seemed so far away. I remember, even back then dreading the day my precious babies would leave me! If only I knew then what I know now.

Letting the boys go has been one of the hardest things I have had to do - the reality, and the finality has been overwhelming, and almost unbearable. For me, letting go has been saying goodbye to my role as a full-time mother. I know that with them going they are now in the Lord's hands, but as they return they will no longer be my baby boys, instead, two grown men, almost-peers. So saying goodbye to them reminds me of this upcoming new stage in my life.

Coupled with these feelings is my reality that the boys are everything I have in this life - and now they are gone, in their place is this great big empty nest. I don't have young children to fill in the silences with their arguing, fighting, laughter and tears. I don't have grandchildren with their giggles and dirty nappies. All I have is this house, and a husband that walks around equally as stunned as I am - the penny finally dropping - we are all alone!!

They haven't been gone for long and it feels like years have dragged by!!

I know I am going to get through this - because I know so many other capable mothers of missionarys that  are not only alive and breathing - they are thriving members of their communities, working hard, and not crying ALL of the time!!

But for now - I am taking one day at a time. Sunday was a terrible day, but today is going okay so far ;-) Here are some tips I found online http://www.wikihow.com/Recover-From-Empty-Nest-Syndrome to help empty nesters recover. I'm going to try them - one day soon...

1) Although it doesn't say this online - the first one for me is living and really implementing Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding, In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.." and another one from  Richard G. Edgley "Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism.." Online - they call this step "Shift Aside the Terrifying Thoughts".

2) Accept Support

I really haven't wanted to see anyone except my brother and sister and their families - them, I can't get enough of.... and have been hiding in my little sanctuary. But my closest friends have burrowed their way in, bringing me flowers, coming for dessert, texting and emailing or just popping in.  The suggestion that suits me best is this: "Acknowledge your grief. It doesn't matter what other people think or say about getting on with it. Unacknowledged grief will gnaw away at you if you don't face it and let yourself be upset for a time. Allow the grief to work through your system." And with that I take one day at a time, trying hard not to hear the people who are thinking "What's her problem?" "Why doesn't she just snap out of it?" "She's lucky - I can't wait until all of my kids are gone"!! This is how I feel - and I'm working through it the best way I know how.

3) Start looking at your own needs

This made me smile: "Avoid creating a shrine out of your child's bedroom. If they didn't clean it up before they left, throw some of your emotions into removing all that trash! Eliminate some of the clutter, but carefully place your child's keepsakes in safe storage." It's easy enough to do this, but for Mr and I we cleaned the rooms out and they look nothing like they used to and that works for me! The suggestion I like the best is : "Go back to school or university. Select a course that you feel resonates with you at this point in life. Work out whether this is a completely new path you're setting out on, or whether it's to upgrade your existing qualifications. Either way is good." This year, Mr and I are either going to take up Ballroom Dancing or learn Spanish.... or who knows - we might do both ;-)

4) Rediscover the Love of your Life

The only trouble with this one is that I already do this often - and honestly I would not have been able to get through this last little period without Mr. He has been so kind and gentle to me. I asked him early on - to never ever roll his eyes when I am pleading my heart out, and not to put a limit on my grief which he has kept to so far.... luckily he had some practice when my mother died - now that was a WHOLE 'nother story... Wikihow's suggestion: "Allow time for your relationship to blossom anew. This can be an exciting time of rejuvenation for both of you." We are looking forward to taking some weekends away and looking forward to touring the South Island of NZ for Christmas!

5) Focus on some of the positive points of your kids leaving

What is so funny is that I have an Aunty who is going through this season as well, after raising 6 awesome children - she has found herself a widow and an empty nester - and she is doing great!! She is my example of the 'after-life' of children and makes me excited about the possibilities. The biggest change so far as been the toilet paper - I don't know what my boys used to do - but that 18 pack of toilet paper is lasting longer than it used to! Our grocery bill has plummeted, as has the laundry and the need to clean. I am yet to tackle the toilet - but will get on to that - and Mr assures me we can keep it clean now the boys are gone! But between you and me - I am sure he will still miss the bowl!! Some kid's habits never die even when they are adults;-)

All the best with your letting go of your missionary. May you do it better than me - with dignity, courage, and gusto...

Mxo

Battle of Wills

Dear Journal,

 

I love my sons. For the most part, they have brought me nothing but pleasure and joy. Recieving their mission calls in October was such a wonderful occassion that we shared with our friends and family and were so happy. For the first month we were all walking around on clouds, so happy that an assignment had been made and for the anticipation of the greatest adventure ever to be had just around the corner... and it was great.

However, from my last blog until now (there have been none - have you noticed, it's okay if you haven't ;-)) until just the other day - it has been a hard slog and a battle of the wills. Of course - as my sons are now in the MTC, we made it - but it was mentally and emotionally draining getting there. I only share this with you because the pre-missionary stage of being called to serve needs to be talked about more. If it had, I may have been better prepared, even if my situation was totally different to another - I would have been able to learn something!

You see, my boys were never into the party scene - so have not had any interest in and engaged in word of wisdom attractions. To my knowledge, they have never tasted of alcohol, smoke, or drugs. Thankfully, again the boys have not been immoral and weighed down by the trappings of sexual transgression. They have been good boys who have chosen their path resolutely and from an early age. So how was Satan going to penetrate the hearts and minds of these strong faithful young men?

I wasn't surprised at how clever and creative Satan is - but what I was surprised with is how he did it - through the breaking down of critical relationships. The relationships between mother and son, father and son, mother and father and brother and brother were tested, and almost stretched to breaking point.

There were arguments, and stand-offs and words yelled out that were hurtful and damaging to no one else but the family members. Satan creeped into my family through a mobile phone and the attachments and distractions that were communicated through facebook, instagram, skype and so on.... It was slowly luring my missionary son away from his family until his parents made the decision to cut off all internet and phone connections.

This should have helped, and in some ways it did, but then the pressure and pestering to reconnect, to go out of the home to connect with people was continually put to me. It was tiring and worrying. We wanted our son to go on his mission free of any trappings, distractions and ties to any one person. We didn't want him to worry about anyone that promised if not verbally, emotionally to wait for him!

Our son was asked to go to party on New Year's Eve in another town. I could not believe my ears - 1ess than a fortnight from his setting apart. He kept pestering me over and over to attend that party, and unhappy with my reply - shared some hurtful words and stormed off. I was so hurt and in disbelief that I called his father home and sat and cried. He later ran off to meet someone for a short time that night. Does he know that his brother, mother and father looked for him that night? Does he know that his mother spent the breaking of a new year, sitting in a car, with his father bawling her eyes out?

You see, I love my sons. I know that they are good boys at heart but they do have feelings and hormones!. I raised them to know right from wrong - but I don't know how others have been raised. I can't control how someone seeks a reaction from my son, or manipulates him to think bad about his own parents, cousins, and friends that he has had for years. I can only know my sons, and to be locked in a battle of wills with them was hard work!! Although he could only see the immediate future, we, as his parents, as all parents can see into the eternities...

I will never forget my husband saying to me - "We only have two weeks to go - are you strong enough to get through this - and get our son on the plane to the MTC - can you do this?" It was tough, I tell ya - and this battle of the wills is not for the weak !! But if your answer like mine was - "yes, I can do this!" - then good for you!! You can do this!!

Here are my top 5 tips on what worked for me (take them or leave them):

1) Plan the days leading up to your missionary leaving. We had family meetings every other day to track where we were with those missionary handbooks they get sent with their mission call as a guide.

2) Fill the days with shopping, planning, visiting friends and family. Keep your missionary busy. We went to see movies, we ate out, we ate in (their favourite meals), went swimming at the beach.

3) Become an electronic-free family - your missionary has to get used to it - so why not start earlier.

4) When they go through the temple for their own endowments - go often and get them to experience all parts of temple service. The most beautiful moments I had with my sons was when we had been to the temple.

5) Pray often and talk to each other more. I spent more time with my sons in the last two weeks than I had in the past and it was some of the loveliest times that I had remembered....

And for you mum and dad of pre-missionaries - just keep breathing. When I look back, I don't know how I did it, but we did - and you can too!!

Mxo

The best kept secrets of preparing a Missionary....

Dear Journal,

Every time, and this is without fail, I have been in a Missionary farewell Sacrament meeting, watching and listening to mothers and fathers with their missionary sons and/or daughters giving their farewell talks - I have been in awe. I have had a tummy full of butterflies fluttering away in there - every time! I have sat and marvelled at how 'together' the mothers are - and although there are tears - they were composed and look sensational, happy and spiritually fulfilledl!

 

In my mind, I would think - how awesome they had been in their preparation and find myself being motivated and inspired to be just like that when my sons would be missionaries. I would decide then and there to make changes or continue doing the things that I was doing right (fluke!!) to be a great missionary mother....

 

That was, until the beginning of this year - when I heard the truth...

 

I thank my friends D & C, who I met in the temple one day after taking their son through for his own endowment before serving his mission in Ghana, Africa. Africa of all places!! As you do, I went to congratulate the parents, and I talk about how they were feeling and they told me the truth! They were struggling. D had been crying for days. They were worried, anxious, sad and happy, excited and all those feelings in between. They told me that they had prepared all their son's life to serve a mission. All the focus of their parenting and all they did as a family was geared towards teaching their sons to be good missionarys.

 

But, what they had discovered, and it has to be one of the church's best kept secrets, is that nothing prepares you as a parent. No one prepares you or gives you a 'heads up' about the emotions of parents letting missionaries go, or explains the feelings around the 'sacrifice' of children a mother experiences as she watches her child leave for another country, new people, away from home. I have never forgotten those conversations and am sooooo grateful for D and C for telling me the truth. Now its my turn - and although I was aware of this plethora of emotions that would come from being a Missionary Mama, I have only come to appreciate more fully what they were talking about now... and even then - I have still been surprised at the amount of raw emotions involved in saying goodbye!!

 

The other thing that I thought watching families during their family presentations was the togetherness and happiness of the family - it was so beautiful to watch.

 

Again, that was until another friend told me the truth.....

 

I thank my friend S, who is sending out her second son (within 12 months) to serve in the Phillipines this weekend. What I love about our relationship (known each other for over 30 years) is that she keeps every conversation real so missionary preparation was truthful and I am grateful for it. She talked me to me about the challenges and difficulties at home with her sons leading up to their departure and I was so shocked and surprised. I thought that as this was the most exciting time of your sons life and in the family's journey - that things were 'rosy' and spiritual, full of joy, kindness and happiness.... 

 

So, with her little chats, I was aware that things were going to get a bit testy - but I had no idea just how much. Satan does not want my sons to serve their mission! That is the truth, so he is trying his hardest to break the only thing he has over my sons, and that is the very core of their universe - our family. Our family, since receiving the boy's mission calls in the beginning of October (and it is only November) leaving in January have already been battered and tested, relationships frayed, tears spilt, and anguish harboured, all during a time when it should be the most exciting of our lives! For a split second I have even wondered if we will get to the January 13 MTC date... AND although deep down - we will, and these missions will happen - getting there is not a path of blossoms and fairy dust....

 

It is no wonder, I often hear mothers express a sense of relief when their bundle of joys get on the plane, or get to the MTC, or even one of my friends just recently say she couldn't wait until her son leave (to which I was shocked at the time - but not so much now ;-).... and now I know why - being a Missionary Mama is not for the weak and faint hearted!

 

Seven weeks to go!!

Mxo